You should first know that I DO NOT RUN. It’s not my thing, it makes my body hurt, and I’ve never lost weight running–because, of course THAT is the only reason I would be running in the first place.
Secondly, you should know that I stumbled across my journal entry from exactly one year ago while making notes for this post. It was a bittersweet moment when I realized the difference between last year and today.
It’s profound; I’ve talked about the experience before, but never published the journal entry. THE journal entry. So . . . I did that right here.
Ok, back to running. Which, is probably technically jogging, but if I do anything other than walk, I’m calling it a run. Apologies to my runner friends–you know I love and respect you!
I’ve been walking and walking and walking for like 365 days or more. Nearly every day, I walk.
But today, I ran.
Not because I want to lose weight or be smaller or because I hate my body.
It’s because I feel the WILL to run.
I want to FEEL my body.
I look down–towards the end of the mile–and realize I am not trying to get anywhere. I am not trying to get there, the end of the mile.
I am just trying to be HERE.
In my body.
I want to feel life today.
I want to feel my breath and my aching body because I want to feel alive.
Today I want to be IN LIFE.
I want to feel it in my bones and through my breath.
Plus, I kinda want to feel real hunger again.
I’ve been eating without being hungry lately and I don’t like where it’s taking me.
It feels like covering up again. Hiding. And I don’t want that. I want to FEEL.
I have gone far past my usual 15 minutes out, 15 minutes back rule.
I look down at my timer realizing I’m more like 25 minutes “out.”
I have ran.
I am so far away from home.
I go two minutes more.
Not because I have to, need to, or should. But because I want to.
Finally, I turn back to the south–into the wind–and raise my palms to the sky thanking God that I am alive. And–by the way–I AM TOTALLY FEELING THIS.
My hip hurts, my feet ache, and I’m breathing like I’ve never worked out before!
I thank God that I can still feel this life.
I open my phone to set a timer, just to see how long it will take to get back, but I stop.
Whether I run or walk, it doesn’t matter how far “out” I am.
It doesn’t matter.
I know I’m going home either way.
It will take whatever time it takes.
What matters, I realize, is that I found the will again to free my body, my mind, and my spirit.
Something I never thought would return.
I felt it today.
Janet Mock, interviewed on Super Soul Sunday, made a shocking statement to the philosophy of Harriet Tubman. She said:
“What if the point of this life was to go out and free yourself in order to come back and show others how to do it.”
What if . . .
I’ll have to think about it later because now . . . I AM HUNGRY.
If you want to know WHY this ^^^ is such an important day for me, click here to read where I found myself just a year ago.